Protocol, Part Thirty-Eight

[thebratqueen]

Previous parts can be found here.

PART THIRTY-EIGHT

When Wesley was away, Hieronymus was left by himself in the suite. During such times Hieronymus liked to explore their living quarters. The space was nice, but it lacked a quality that Hieronymus could not give name to. He did know, however, that it felt better when he'd crawled all over the shelves and the furniture.

Usually when he did this there were women and men who would come - sometimes bringing him food - and attack the shelves and furniture with cloths and brushes, muttering to themselves about "Fur, *everywhere*." and then they would leave and Hieronymus would have to start the process all over again to make sure that the area continued to feel homey.

After some time, Hieronymus decided that if there were certain places he was allowed to go with Wesley, then he was allowed to go to them without. This made a logical sense to him, as it meant never going past the boundaries of what Wesley apparently considered their territory. That Wesley might wish Hieronymus to only go places with him was also a possibility, but if Wesley was allowed to go out by himself then Hieronymus assumed he was too. After all, they did share everything else, so Hieronymus could not see why this would be an exception.

He started small. Fortunately there was a cat-sized hole to be found behind one of the bookcases which led to a hallway not far from the suite and well within the space of things that smelled like his and Wesley's.

To be on the safe side, Hieronymus kept his initial forays close to this entrance. He would try one hallway, then come back. Try another hallway, then come back. Then a third, and then he made attempts to duck into rooms that had open doors and sounds which were interesting.

He encountered many things on these trips: humans, demons, animals of various kinds, things which looked like toys but which sometimes resulted in people yelling at him when he swatted them across the carpet.

He encountered cats on these trips. Alone, together, and one time he saw a large and fluffy orange cat lying down while being suckled by a group of kittens.

It was then Hieronymus realized that he was adopted.

The discovery that Wesley, in spite of all behavioral appearances, was not actually a cat caused Hieronymus no small amount of thought. Certainly he'd known that Wesley did not *look* like a cat, but then Hieronymus had not met every kind of cat that there was in the world. It was entirely possible that some were very tall, mostly hairless, walked on two legs, and were incapable of meowing. Hieronymus felt it wasn't his place to be judgmental.

Still, this was something to educate himself about. If Wesley was, in fact, a human, Hieronymus felt it was only right to try to learn more about his species.

Hieronymus decided to talk to the cats.

***

*We've never seen you before,* said a slinky cat with grey-blue hair.

Hieronymus sat down in front of the group of cats which had gathered near the kitchen in the hopes of catching mice. *I'm new,* he said.

A tan cat flicked an ear at him, looking down at his small stature. *Clearly.*

Wesley had said that introductions and manners were very important. Hieronymus attempted to have good posture as he said, *It's very nice to meet you. My name is Hieronymus. What's yours?*

Nine heads swiveled in his direction. Eight of them made hissing and sniggering sounds.

*Hieronymus?* the grey-blue one asked. *What kind of name is that for a cat? It is too long, and does not have enough sibilants.*

*It is a name for a cat with ambition,* Hieronymus said, squaring his shoulders proudly.

The eight heads conferred, and did have to agree that ambition was a proper quality for a cat to possess.

*Still, who named you, child?* asked a long-haired tortoiseshell.

*My mother did,* Hieronymus said.

*No mother cat would pick that name,* the tan cat said.

*My mother is not a cat,* Hieronymus explained. *My mother is a human. His name is Wesley.*

The grey-blue cat's ears swiveled high upon her head. *A human? Child, your mother is not a human.*

*I believe that I am adopted,* Hieronymus said. *But Wesley takes very good care of me.*

*No human adopts a cat,* the long-haired tortoiseshell said. *It is cats who adopt humans. If you are attached to one of those creatures it is _your_ responsibility to care for _it_.*

Hieronymus gave that some consideration. It seemed like a very big job. Moreso, since he didn't know how to do it.

*Humans are very stupid,* the tan cat said. *Personally, I can't be bothered with them.*

*I don't think Wesley is stupid,* Hieronymus said. *He is graceful, and knowledgeable about grooming. I also think he understands me when I speak.*

*They all look like that,* the grey-blue cat said, not unkindly. *It can be charming, but humans actually comprehend nothing of what we say.*

Hieronymus did not feel this to be true about Wesley, but he thought it might be disrespectful to say so to the older cat. *How do I take care of him then?*

The tan cat licked her shoulder. Hieronymus knew this to be a very rude and improper gesture. *Leave them to starve for all I care.*

*But I like Wesley,* Hieronymus said. *He is very nice, and I don't want to be a bad parent.*

Eight pairs of eyes flickered back and forth amongst themselves, then finally settled upon the ninth cat.

The black and white female stepped forward, her tail held high in greeting. *I can help,* she said.

Hieronymus recognized her as the one who hadn't laughed at his name. *Who are you?*

*Miss Kitty Fantastico,* she said, then stared at him as though expecting him to make comment.

Hieronymus scratched his ear with his back paw. He thought about it, then said, *That seems like a very long name.*

*It is,* she agreed, then led the way as they walked down the hall. *But you can call me Miss Kitty.*

Hieronymus repeated the name to himself so that he would not forget it, then fell into step beside her.

***

*I have been parent to a human for many generations,* Miss Kitty said. *It is a frustrating job, but can be rewarding.*

*What do I do?* Hieronymus asked. He had to walk twice as fast to keep up with her. *I didn't know I was supposed to be raising him. Is it my job to feed him? What do humans eat?*

*They seem able to fend for themselves at mealtime,* Miss Kitty said. *And yours is aware of grooming, which is a help. Do you bring him presents?*

Hieronymus was relieved to know this was a requirement. *Yes. Whatever I can hunt. He seems to like the buttons most of all.*

*You should bring animals,* Miss Kitty said.

Hieronymus thought about it. *I don't know how to bring him a dog.*

*_Dead_ animals,* Miss Kitty clarified. *Things that you hunt. Do you hunt?*

*Oh yes,* Hieronymus said. *I kill bugs.*

*Bring them to him,* Miss Kitty said. *Rats and mice too. You're small, but you should be able to handle it.*

*I've never killed anything that big before,* Hieronymus said.

*Bite the neck,* Miss Kitty said. *Hard as you can. Trust your instincts. We were made for this.*

*Then bring Wesley the body?* Hieronymus asked.

*Yes,* Miss Kitty said. *Dead. They don't like them when they are still alive. Unless it's the rats in cages. We're not supposed to hunt those.*

*Why not?* Hieronymus asked.

*Because humans have strange hobbies,* Miss Kitty said. She looked at him appraisingly. *Does your human have a companion?*

Once again Hieronymus felt relief to have not missed out on his duties. *Yes, he does.*

Miss Kitty licked her whiskers in approval. *That is good. Humans become very sad without their companions. Mine had a companion once, and it did not go well once she was alone again. Does your human's companion amuse him?*

*I think so,* Hieronymus said. *Wesley always smiles when Mylord appears.*

Miss Kitty turned an ear in his direction. *Mylord?*

*Yes,* Hieronymus said.

They walked in silence for a few moments. Then Miss Kitty said, *That's a funny name for a human.*

*Oh, Mylord isn't human,* Hieronymus explained. *He's furniture that walks.*

Miss Kitty stopped, facing him. *He's what?*

*You know,* Hieronymus said. *He's solid and not-warm and has no heartbeat, but he moves. Furniture that walks.*

Miss Kitty's fur raised up. *This Mylord, does he eat?*

*He and Wesley take meals together,* Hieronymus said.

*And when he does, does he drink things which make your teeth wet at the scent of it?* Miss Kitty asked.

*Yes,* Hieronymus said. *It makes me think of hunting.*

Miss Kitty's fur rose higher. *He is no human! He is a blood drinker!*

*Is that bad?* Hieronymus asked.

*Very bad!* Miss Kitty said. *He will kill your human!*

*I don't think that is the case,* Hieronymus said. *Mylord is very nice to my human, and he often pets me and tries to understand what I say.*

*Blood drinkers are evil,* Miss Kitty said. *You shouldn't trust him with your human.*

*Mylord does not feel evil,* Hieronymus said. *He feels like furniture.*

Miss Kitty thumped her tail on the floor. *I have met many blood drinkers. I know of none named Mylord among the two that I trust.*

Hieronymus began to fret. *Come meet him then? Tell me if he's bad. I don't think he is, but I don't want my human to die.*

*Yes,* Miss Kitty said. *Lead the way.*

Hieronymus breathed in, then followed the scent of Wesley's companion. He ran down the hallway, Miss Kitty right behind him. *What shall we do when we find him?*

*We will study him,* Miss Kitty said, *and if he is evil, we'll scratch his eyes out and make my human put wood in his heart.*

Hieronymus felt that such a thing would not make Wesley happy at all, but he ran faster all the same.

***

"I swear to God those cats are staring at me," Angel said as he limped into Spike and Xander's room.

Willow looked up, seeing Hieronymus and Miss Kitty following close on Angel's heels. "Maybe they like you."

"Maybe they think you're cute," Xander said.

"Bite me, both of you," Angel said. He grunted as he sank down onto the couch. The cats followed, perching on the armrest. Their eyes didn't waver from his direction. "Willow? Make them stop."

"Why me?" Willow asked.

"Because one of them is yours," Angel said. "Besides, everybody knows that your kind is good with cats."

Willow folded her arms, looking primly at him. "*My* kind?"

Angel blinked. "Witches. I was going for witches."

"He was just *thinking* lesbian real loud," Xander said.

Angel glared at him. "Stop helping."

Willow made a kissing sound, motioning for Miss Kitty to join her. "I think it's sweet. Maybe they're making friends."

"If our pal Hieronymus still has enough of his naughty bits attached, maybe he's making something else," Xander pointed out.

Willow threw a pillow at him. "Xander!"

Xander ducked, then pointed to where Miss Kitty and Hieronymus still sat on the couch. "I dunno. Looks pretty lovey-dovey to me."

"What are you even doing here?" Angel asked, turning his gaze to the small cat. "You're supposed to be in our room and waiting for Wes and why am I even talking to you like you're going to answer me?"

"Insanity is the prevailing theory," Xander said.

Angel let his head fall back. "I'm not sure I can dispute it."

"What's the big deal?" Willow asked. "So Hieronymus gets out once in a while. It'll probably be good for him."

"The big deal," Angel said, "is that this furball is the only thing Wes has admitted to liking since he got here. That means we keep him safe no matter what."

"Well he looks plenty safe to me," Willow said. "Besides, if anybody hurts him he's got Miss Kitty to help out, isn't that right?"

Miss Kitty, perhaps responding to her name, chirruped something in Willow's direction.

"So not that I don't love having you walk in whenever you want," Xander said, "but what the heck are you doing here walking in whenever you want?"

"Taking a meeting," Angel said.

Xander and Willow exchanged a look. "We had a meeting?" Xander asked.

"I had a meeting," Angel said. "Actually I didn't, but Wes said I did because I was about to do something stupid with Lord Clammy and his wife and I guess meeting was as good a way as any to get me out of the room."

"We saw them come in," Willow said. "He looks… short."

"You noticed that too?" Angel asked.

"How about his wife?" Xander said, making a va-va-va-voom gesture. "Not too harsh on the old eyeballs. Though a bit weird."

"Weird?" Angel asked.

"Yeah, with the standing and the not-talking and the politely trying to make herself invisible" Xander said. "It's like looking at Wes, but with boobies."

"I feel like I should be punching you for that," Angel said, "but I don't know why."

"You shouldn't talk like that, Xander," Willow said.

"But, Will," Xander said, "breathing air over my vocal cords while moving my lips is the only way I know *how* to talk."

"I meant about that woman," Willow said.

Angel looked interested. "How come?"

"She's a spouse, right?" Willow said. "Just like Wesley. Which means everybody's got to *treat* her like Wesley."

Angel nodded. "I see where you're going with this."

"Well I don't," Xander said. "Why are we treating her like she's nice, though odd, and okay if for no other reason than she mellows Angel out by having sex with him?"

"Does it even register to you that I'm sitting right here?" Angel asked.

"Because there are rules," Willow said. "Spouses are supposed to be protected. According to Gunn, Wes *shot* people because they insulted Angel or made a pass at him. Apparently being rude to spouses is a big no-no."

"And talk of the boobies is not kosher according to Miss Manners," Xander said. "Got it. Consider my lips zipped. Though I lay no claims to the ability to make eye contact if put in the same room with her."

"Do you really think they'd kill Xander?" Willow asked.

"Some days I think I'd help," Angel said. "But right now let's not chance it. This whole thing stinks as far as I'm concerned."

"Not liking the time spent with the in-laws?" Xander asked.

"Not liking what every instinct is telling me is a trick or some kind of trap," Angel said. "As far as I'm concerned, the sooner those two are out of here, the better."

"Worried about what they'll do to you?" Willow asked.

Angel shook his head. "No. I'm worried about what they'll do to *Wes*."

Over on the couch, the two cats looked relieved, and as though they'd found a satisfactory answer to their question.