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thebratqueenDear Baptist Church that I pass on my way to Trader Joe's:
Thank you so much for giving me the excellent news that the poor no longer go hungry, the war in Iraq is over, cancer has been cured, and absolutely no one on earth is going to wear white after Labor Day ever again. Mind you, I did feel it was a bit confusing to word all of that in an extremely large banner which proclaimed "Defend Marriage And Family Against Homosexuals" which blocked what was otherwise a very pretty view along my drive but I suppose if every single problem in the world has been solved except that gay marriage thing, a big banner showing your happiness about that fact is certainly called for. And may I say congratulations that you've cleaned so much off of your Godly To Do list that you've finally gotten down to gay marriage which had to be - what? At least number 72? Boy it must be a load off your mind knowing that murder no longer happens, rapists don't exist, and Fox has issued an apology for ever cancelling Firefly.
Anyhoo, since there are no more pressing problems in the world to solve I thought I, as a bisexual girl, could maybe help you out with the gay marriage thing. After all, with everything else taken care of I guess I don't need to spend any of my time working hard so I can donate my time and money to charity. Granted, I don't know what I'm going to do now that I have all these extra hours on my hands, but thankfully I have knitting to fall back on to help fill the time.
So, with regards to the gay marriage thing, has this been a big problem for you? Because if you'd like I could go online and contact all the gays and lesbians in the area and tell them to please, for politeness's sake, stop bothering your church and demanding to be married in it. I mean boy, you must just get hoards of them battering down your door and I don't blame you at all for being annoyed about it. Goodness knows I hate being bothered by door to door Bible salesmen!
And you know, I don't actually hate gay people since not only am I half of one of them but I also know that they are, you know, people so I am more than happy to talk to them on your behalf so that you don't get any gay cooties on you and thus become homosexuals yourselves. After all, it's only by getting gay cooties on you that you can become gay, and I'm sure that is why your entire congregation has been splitting itself up in divorce, buying up all the leather and lame that they can find, and relocating to the Village to become appartment flippers or chorus dancers.
So I'll help keep the gay cooties away from you, I'll tell all the gays in the area not to force you to marry them, and you can tear down that silly ol' sign that in no way felt like a total and utter kick to my gut while I was having an otherwise very pleasant afternoon that wasn't at all involved with people trying to take my basic human rights away in the name of protecting something that I myself am a member of while using the excuse of the loving God that I believe in. And then you can move on to the next pressing problem on your list which is, I'm sure, hangnails.
Yours etc,
TBQ
Thank you so much for giving me the excellent news that the poor no longer go hungry, the war in Iraq is over, cancer has been cured, and absolutely no one on earth is going to wear white after Labor Day ever again. Mind you, I did feel it was a bit confusing to word all of that in an extremely large banner which proclaimed "Defend Marriage And Family Against Homosexuals" which blocked what was otherwise a very pretty view along my drive but I suppose if every single problem in the world has been solved except that gay marriage thing, a big banner showing your happiness about that fact is certainly called for. And may I say congratulations that you've cleaned so much off of your Godly To Do list that you've finally gotten down to gay marriage which had to be - what? At least number 72? Boy it must be a load off your mind knowing that murder no longer happens, rapists don't exist, and Fox has issued an apology for ever cancelling Firefly.
Anyhoo, since there are no more pressing problems in the world to solve I thought I, as a bisexual girl, could maybe help you out with the gay marriage thing. After all, with everything else taken care of I guess I don't need to spend any of my time working hard so I can donate my time and money to charity. Granted, I don't know what I'm going to do now that I have all these extra hours on my hands, but thankfully I have knitting to fall back on to help fill the time.
So, with regards to the gay marriage thing, has this been a big problem for you? Because if you'd like I could go online and contact all the gays and lesbians in the area and tell them to please, for politeness's sake, stop bothering your church and demanding to be married in it. I mean boy, you must just get hoards of them battering down your door and I don't blame you at all for being annoyed about it. Goodness knows I hate being bothered by door to door Bible salesmen!
And you know, I don't actually hate gay people since not only am I half of one of them but I also know that they are, you know, people so I am more than happy to talk to them on your behalf so that you don't get any gay cooties on you and thus become homosexuals yourselves. After all, it's only by getting gay cooties on you that you can become gay, and I'm sure that is why your entire congregation has been splitting itself up in divorce, buying up all the leather and lame that they can find, and relocating to the Village to become appartment flippers or chorus dancers.
So I'll help keep the gay cooties away from you, I'll tell all the gays in the area not to force you to marry them, and you can tear down that silly ol' sign that in no way felt like a total and utter kick to my gut while I was having an otherwise very pleasant afternoon that wasn't at all involved with people trying to take my basic human rights away in the name of protecting something that I myself am a member of while using the excuse of the loving God that I believe in. And then you can move on to the next pressing problem on your list which is, I'm sure, hangnails.
Yours etc,
TBQ
