The greatest story ever told
Jun. 24th, 2004 05:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebratqueenI could have done work. I could have been productive. But my boss is out of town and LJ and JF were both being slow and sucky, so instead I got on IRC and me, WesleysGirl, Flaming Muse, Poetess, and Magpie helped create the stupidest, dumbest, worst, most offensive greatest story ever told!!!!!
[TBQ] I have to admit that's my one true, total immature reaction to all the hate and negativity going around in fandom right now
[TBQ] to write a total, out there, I dunno "Wes gets raped and is pregnant and also half-cat" or whatever story, JUST to piss off people
[fm] LOL
[magpie] with lyrics thrown in?
[TBQ] ha!
[TBQ] but of course!
[WesleysGirl] yes!
[TBQ] with song lyrics!
[magpie] grin
[magpie] I wish you would
[TBQ] and he and Angel are Soul Mates
[WesleysGirl] that would be hilarious
[magpie] nothing wrong with soul mates fics :-p
[TBQ] well I meant the capital letters to convey a sort of
pretentiousness about it
[poetess] there should be piercing, also
[TBQ] nothing wrong with soul mates in concept
[magpie] and a mary sue
[WesleysGirl] wes should get angel's name tattooed on him! on his ass, maybe
[poetess] actually there should be a list of kinks, each explained in How To Handbook detail
[magpie] aww
[fm] And maybe Lorne can sing "I Will Always Love You" in the background.
[TBQ] And at random moments during the story, Angel will stop all of the action to carefully explain to Wesley about the importance of condoms
[TBQ] And Wes, who's eating pickles dipped in chocolate, will go "No, *really*?"
[fm] LOL
[magpie] *giggle*
[TBQ] unless of course this is one of those fics were Angel rapes Wes, thus showing Wesley that the two of them are in love
[fm] Hmm. Could be.
[TBQ] Except I think it's one of those where it's Spike who did it
[TBQ] 'cause it's one of those stories where you have to totally villanize the person who might mess up your OTP
[magpie] there could be a who's the father issue?
[fm] Leading to a tense hospital scene with DNA testing.
[magpie] and more lyrics
[WesleysGirl] snerk
[WesleysGirl] I think we're writing it right here
[TBQ] So then Angel can clutch Wesley to his bosom and tell Spike "You may NEVER touch him again! And don't come near us! And I'll kill you! And I never ever loved you, even when I told you that I did that time during Mardi Gras last year!"
[fm] *cough cold dead seed cough*
[TBQ] heh - and during the hospital scene Gunn's off in a corner looking guilty
[TBQ] and he and Wes don't meet each other's eyes
[magpie] Wes is such a slut!
[TBQ] and then Spike's like "Oi! Matey! Right I 'ave your boy a little of the ol' 'ows-your-father, but blimey I'm not a bad guy!"
[fm] "Cor!"
[WesleysGirl] ROFL
[TBQ] "Bob's your uncle!"
[magpie] heheheh
* WesleysGirl hurts self laughing
[TBQ] and Fred and Buffy walk into the room, but only so they can immediately burst into flame
[TBQ] and Angel and Wes will look at the ashed corpses, then into each other's eyes and go "I never really loved her anyway"
[fm] And then Xander can come in and say that they need Spike to pretend to be his lover so that they can combat this demon, and he and Spike leave.
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] Isn't that *abused* Xander?
[TBQ] Coming in with a black eye from his drunken dad, who also raped him?
[fm] Of course. I thought that was a given.
[TBQ] so I guess Xander's pregnant too
[fm] ROFL
[WesleysGirl] LMAO
[magpie] hey -- it can be set in a maternity ward! er, paternity
[fm] My Four Dads!
[TBQ] Brand-new ward, created by W&H
[TBQ] BWA!!!
[TBQ] it's the new sitcom on Fox!
[WesleysGirl] heeeee
[TBQ] And then Willow comes in and says "The problems that you have all suffered have been fixed thanks to my magic, blessed be to the Goddess!"
[fm] And Giles cleans his glasses.
[fm] furiously.
[TBQ] And then she'll add "Though Kennedy also just spontaneously burst into flames. I don't know why."
[magpie] and then Legolas turns up
[WesleysGirl] ROFL
[TBQ] bwa!
[TBQ] And Legolas says something like "The walls are pastel, and drab in color."
[TBQ] and then he and Anya and Illyria have a conversation together with lots of declarative sentences.
[WesleysGirl] snerk!
[WesleysGirl] I think Duncan and Methos should show up too. And one of them should be pregnant.
[fm] Maybe both.
[TBQ] Oh totally both
[TBQ] And Duncan's all "It'll be fun, you said. No harm, you said. What could go wrong with Tantric, you said..."
[fm] And don't forget Jim and Blair. Pregnant with twins.
[magpie] and all the hobbit actors... who have been reduced to infancy in an unforeseen side effect of Willow's magic
[TBQ] so they're the same size then
[magpie] hehehe
[TBQ] And Willow banishes the ebil PR people who try to deny Elijah and Dom's true love
[fm] Hey, Dom's too busy being angsty with Billy to care about Elijah.
[TBQ] But Dom could still be worried!
[fm] And in hobbit feet!
[TBQ] because Elijah is pregnant, and he's not five pounds soaking wet so obviously it'll be hard to carry the baby to term
[fm] Very true. He does not have child-bearing hips.
[TBQ] I love you FM
* fm beams.
[fm] Oh, wait, does that mean that I'm pregnant? Or are you?
* TBQ is still laughing over Elijah not having child-bearing hips
[TBQ] I think we both are
[TBQ] oh! oh! And the doctor comes in to see Wes, and without looking at anyone turns to Angel and goes "So how is our mommy doing?"
[TBQ] and Angel gets all pissy and "I'm not pregnant!"
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] and the doc goes "Huh, you sure? Because you *look* - "
[fm] He must feel left out.
[fm] And Angel says, "Why does everyone think I'm fat?"
[TBQ] And immediately follows that with "Shut up, Spike"
[fm] And there's a muffled "Cor!" from down the hall where Spike and Xander are making out in the broom closet.
[TBQ] snerk
[TBQ] and Elijah clutches a hand to his bosom (because our narrator does not use a beta to pick up repeated phrases) and uses his sapphire eyes to gaze up at the memory of the sky and whispers "I wish I could have hips like that vampire's"
* fm chokes on her water.
* TBQ pats fm on the back
[fm] thank you
[TBQ] And then Angel, who is of course a billionaire, asks of no one in particular "What exactly do I have to pay here to get a private room?"
[WesleysGirl] and then tinkerbell appears and grants Elijah's wish
[TBQ] tinkerbell, of course, being Orlando
[fm] ROFL
[fm] And then Wes yells because he goes into premature but very advanced labor.
[TBQ] oh oh! yes!
[TBQ] but it's *difficult* labor!
[TBQ] so he might lose the baby!
[fm] And he could die, too!
[TBQ] So Angel clutches Wes's hand and weeps manly tears
[fm] I was just typing that. ;)
[TBQ] and calls Wes "My love, my only, my Soul Mate, my Companion, my Consort..."
[TBQ] and Wes is like "There's only one of me here, Angel, please uncross your eyes."
[TBQ] clutching Wes's hand, of course, to his bosom
[fm] Of course.
[TBQ] his MANLY bosom
[fm] And Elijah thinks, "I wish I could have a bosom that manly."
[TBQ] snerk
[fm] And here comes Tinkerlando again...
[TBQ] Tinkerlando - ha!!
[TBQ] Then Wes, who is crying out in pain, has flashbacks to being locked under the stairs as a child
[TBQ] So Angel makes Willow magically teleport Roger into the room so that Angel can kick the shit out of him while still clutching Wes's hand, which now sports a wedding ring, to his manly bosom
[magpie] Tinkerlando stares into the middle distance, a slight frown on his face... and a very short skirt over his hips
[fm] That's so beautiful, TBQ.
[TBQ] and Gunn's like "You know, this is near-death in a hospital. Shouldn't Wes - er, I mean English - be having flashbacks to the time Angel used a pillow to try to kil - "
[TBQ] and Angel's all "You could be silent now, really."
[TBQ] Then Faith walks in and says "Yo, B, five by five"
[fm] And B, being burned up, says nothing.
[fm] Until Willow brings her back.
[TBQ] and then she tries to decide if she should be having sex with Tinkerlando or Elijah since they're the girliest ones in the room.
[magpie] Tinkerlando is wearing a *very* short skirt
[fm] Or maybe Wes, because they have all of that history. He's not so hot while in labor, though.
[fm] And isn't pregnant.
[TBQ] still, those cheekbones
[magpie] yes
[fm] Faith can fix that.
[magpie] Not pregnant... yet
[fm] exactly
[fm] And they could have a half-elf slayer daughter
[TBQ] Faith could make Tinkerlando pregnant
[fm] Named like Crystyle or something.
[fm] but with more Mary Sue-ness.
[TBQ] yes, Crystal Angelina Francesca Louisa Bo-Besca Bannanna Fanna the Third
[magpie] There should be a something-dil in that name if she's half-elf
[fm] Crystaldil?
[TBQ] good point magpie
[TBQ] ha!
[magpie] Yes, FM!
[TBQ] Crystaldil Angelina Francesca Louisa Bo-Besca Bannanna Fanna theThird
[fm] ROFL
* TBQ is deliberately mispelling banana btw
* TBQ felt a need to point that out
[magpie] I thought it was elvish for something
[TBQ] sure, we'll go with it being an elvish thing ;)
* TBQ was just being silly and misspelling
[magpie] Bannanna = tree that blossoms only once every 11,000 years on the night of the new moon of midsummer
[TBQ] And she has one purple eye and one green one
[fm] Does she get a unicorn?
[TBQ] do you even need to ask, fm?
[TBQ] sheesh
[fm] Sorry.
[TBQ] she gets TWO
[TBQ] because she's the only student at Hogwarts who is brave and strong and beautiful enough to handle them
[TBQ] though as far as that still a virgin thing goes, not so much
[TBQ] Faith and Tinkerlando's daughter coming fully formed out of the womb, you see
[TBQ] because she's *that* advanced
[TBQ] and of course Crystaldil marrys Harry Potter
[TBQ] Wheras poor Wes may still be losing the baby
[fm] And his hand probably hurts from how tightly Angel is crushing it to his manly bosom.
[TBQ] heh
[TBQ] Yes
[fm] But he wouldn't ever tell him that, because no one else has ever loved him.
[TBQ] and his face is wet from Angel's manly tears
[TBQ] of course
[TBQ] no one has ever accepted or approved of him the way Angel does
[TBQ] and again Gunn's like "So there was that pillow - "
[TBQ] and Wes goes "Shut up! He's hung like a stallion!"
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] And Gunn goes "Dude! I"m *black*!"
[fm] And Faith, Tinkerlando, and the hobbits look very interested.
[TBQ] And Wes goes "Yes, and still bigger than you, so just imagine where my loyalties lie."
[magpie] But Giles suddenly remembers an ancient prophecy that says the rogue demon hunter will give birth to the second coming of Lilah-Sue
[TBQ] yes!
[TBQ] which of course means Lilah is the one who raped him
[magpie] Yes!
[TBQ] and hey, if anybody could know how to use a strap-on like that, it'd be Lilah
[TBQ] So Giles frantically cleans his glasses and goes "oh dear" and stutters and cleans his glasses and says "Oh good Lord"
[TBQ] and that goes on for five pages
[fm] While Anya talks about money.
[fm] And sex.
[magpie] hehehehe
[TBQ] Yes
[TBQ] and Illyria says everyone there is an insect
[TBQ] and Lorne has no lines whatsoever
[fm] He's still singing the Celine Dion song.
[fm] Is Illyria pregnant?
[TBQ] Illyria keeps a fetus in a jar
[TBQ] it's got nothing to do with pregnancy, she just likes that better than collecting stamps
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] every now and then she likes to shake it, just to see it bob up and down
[magpie] And Tara pops back from the dead to say something
incomprehensible about mirrors with centipedes in them
[TBQ] and Dru shows up and talks about worms singing
[TBQ] in the meanwhile Giles has an internal monologue about how he regards the Slayer and her friends as his children, and how he is their father and they to him are daughters and sons, and how losing any of them would be a terrible, terrible thing, especially Willow who he'd
like to spank, or possibly Xander for similar reasons.
[fm] And Spike says, "Bloody 'ell, don't touch my nummy xanpet!"
[TBQ] snerk
[TBQ] so five pages later Giles snaps out of his monologue and tries to warn Angel and Wes about the coming of Lilah-Sue
[TBQ] and Angel's all "What's she going to do? Kill us? Kill Wes? Bring about the apocalypse?"
[TBQ] and Giles goes "Worse - she's going to yell at everyone about their love lives."
[TBQ] and Faith and Tinkerlando's daughter bursts into tears, because that's her job
[magpie] And Wes thinks: Oh no! The father's going to kill the daughter!
[TBQ] bwah!!!!
[fm] ROFL
[fm] So he steals himself after knocking out Lorne ('cause the song was really annoying him).
[TBQ] heh
[TBQ] and tries to run away without actually breaking his hand as he tries to free himself from Angel's manly bosom
[fm] But Angel miraculously KNOWS that Wes is trying to get away, and he explains that he doesn't care about killing the kid, he just wants Wesley.
[TBQ] yes! of course he knows!
[fm] And there is a tearful reunion, even though they weren't apart.
[TBQ] because Angel never let go of his hand
[fm] Exactly.
[TBQ] And Wesley cries, and says "My love! You can never forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done! For even though you are a murderer and a rapist and a dog-fetishiest that would even put Andy Garcia to shame, *I* once treated you like a vampire and locked a girl in a closet for summer holiday, so obviously I am the baser of us two!"
[magpie] And Angel asks: "Was the girl Fred?"
[TBQ] snerk
[fm] "No, Fred was a saint, even though I never loved her."
[TBQ] "Besides, my love, my Soul Mate! My Husband! My Enabler! It was Justine, though I shagged Lilah while I was doing it and frankly that's why I'm in this scenario."
[fm] "But I was thinking of you! That's why she wore the strap-on!"
[TBQ] The very LARGE strap-on
[fm] of course
[magpie] hehe
[TBQ] though, to her credit, she did occasionally clutch Wes's cock to her bosom, and that's part of the reason why they dated for as many months as they did
[TBQ] and Angel says "My Love! My Heart! My Soul Mate! My Consort! My Perfect Happiness! I thought of you while I was having sex with Buffy, which is why *I* wore the strap-on!"
[TBQ] and Wes tries to decide if he really wants to ask or not.
[fm] ROFL
[magpie] grin
[fm] Meanwhile, everyone else cries at the reunion, not just because it is beautiful but because they are filled with pregnancy hormones.
[TBQ] of course
[WesleysGirl] y'all hurt my head
[TBQ] except for Wes, who cries again because he might be losing the baby
[TBQ] also because he just found out that miscarriage or delivery doesn't matter, either way he and angel won't be allowed to have sex for a month
[TBQ] so then Angel starts to cry again
[fm] Isn't there a magical ointment for that?
[TBQ] lube!
[fm] Maybe cherry-flavoured?
[TBQ] Yes! Angel stops the action again to give a PSA about magic lube
[TBQ] which he got from Crystaldil, who makes it at Hogwarts
[TBQ] as she is an expert in all of the magic arts, especially Potions
[fm] Of course.
[magpie] is Wesley going to breast feed?
[TBQ] I think they all would breast feed
[TBQ] except Faith, of course.
[magpie] yes
[fm] wouldn't want to get saggy
[fm] And Tinkerlando can do it.
[TBQ] precisely
[magpie] and he wearing a very short skirt
[magpie] (which has nothing to do with anything, but it's important to repeat it)
[fm] of course
[fm] which Elijah is looking up with his sapphire orbs.
[TBQ] And then just as Wes starts to spasm and spurt blood, the worldfades to black, and it says "OMG I wun rit m0r3 if u dun f33dback!!!!111!!!!"
[TBQ] "no flames"
[fm] Don't forget - "Thx to my beta amb3rsk8r88 who sayd she likd it."
[fm] "Teh end."
[TBQ] I have to admit that's my one true, total immature reaction to all the hate and negativity going around in fandom right now
[TBQ] to write a total, out there, I dunno "Wes gets raped and is pregnant and also half-cat" or whatever story, JUST to piss off people
[fm] LOL
[magpie] with lyrics thrown in?
[TBQ] ha!
[TBQ] but of course!
[WesleysGirl] yes!
[TBQ] with song lyrics!
[magpie] grin
[magpie] I wish you would
[TBQ] and he and Angel are Soul Mates
[WesleysGirl] that would be hilarious
[magpie] nothing wrong with soul mates fics :-p
[TBQ] well I meant the capital letters to convey a sort of
pretentiousness about it
[poetess] there should be piercing, also
[TBQ] nothing wrong with soul mates in concept
[magpie] and a mary sue
[WesleysGirl] wes should get angel's name tattooed on him! on his ass, maybe
[poetess] actually there should be a list of kinks, each explained in How To Handbook detail
[magpie] aww
[fm] And maybe Lorne can sing "I Will Always Love You" in the background.
[TBQ] And at random moments during the story, Angel will stop all of the action to carefully explain to Wesley about the importance of condoms
[TBQ] And Wes, who's eating pickles dipped in chocolate, will go "No, *really*?"
[fm] LOL
[magpie] *giggle*
[TBQ] unless of course this is one of those fics were Angel rapes Wes, thus showing Wesley that the two of them are in love
[fm] Hmm. Could be.
[TBQ] Except I think it's one of those where it's Spike who did it
[TBQ] 'cause it's one of those stories where you have to totally villanize the person who might mess up your OTP
[magpie] there could be a who's the father issue?
[fm] Leading to a tense hospital scene with DNA testing.
[magpie] and more lyrics
[WesleysGirl] snerk
[WesleysGirl] I think we're writing it right here
[TBQ] So then Angel can clutch Wesley to his bosom and tell Spike "You may NEVER touch him again! And don't come near us! And I'll kill you! And I never ever loved you, even when I told you that I did that time during Mardi Gras last year!"
[fm] *cough cold dead seed cough*
[TBQ] heh - and during the hospital scene Gunn's off in a corner looking guilty
[TBQ] and he and Wes don't meet each other's eyes
[magpie] Wes is such a slut!
[TBQ] and then Spike's like "Oi! Matey! Right I 'ave your boy a little of the ol' 'ows-your-father, but blimey I'm not a bad guy!"
[fm] "Cor!"
[WesleysGirl] ROFL
[TBQ] "Bob's your uncle!"
[magpie] heheheh
* WesleysGirl hurts self laughing
[TBQ] and Fred and Buffy walk into the room, but only so they can immediately burst into flame
[TBQ] and Angel and Wes will look at the ashed corpses, then into each other's eyes and go "I never really loved her anyway"
[fm] And then Xander can come in and say that they need Spike to pretend to be his lover so that they can combat this demon, and he and Spike leave.
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] Isn't that *abused* Xander?
[TBQ] Coming in with a black eye from his drunken dad, who also raped him?
[fm] Of course. I thought that was a given.
[TBQ] so I guess Xander's pregnant too
[fm] ROFL
[WesleysGirl] LMAO
[magpie] hey -- it can be set in a maternity ward! er, paternity
[fm] My Four Dads!
[TBQ] Brand-new ward, created by W&H
[TBQ] BWA!!!
[TBQ] it's the new sitcom on Fox!
[WesleysGirl] heeeee
[TBQ] And then Willow comes in and says "The problems that you have all suffered have been fixed thanks to my magic, blessed be to the Goddess!"
[fm] And Giles cleans his glasses.
[fm] furiously.
[TBQ] And then she'll add "Though Kennedy also just spontaneously burst into flames. I don't know why."
[magpie] and then Legolas turns up
[WesleysGirl] ROFL
[TBQ] bwa!
[TBQ] And Legolas says something like "The walls are pastel, and drab in color."
[TBQ] and then he and Anya and Illyria have a conversation together with lots of declarative sentences.
[WesleysGirl] snerk!
[WesleysGirl] I think Duncan and Methos should show up too. And one of them should be pregnant.
[fm] Maybe both.
[TBQ] Oh totally both
[TBQ] And Duncan's all "It'll be fun, you said. No harm, you said. What could go wrong with Tantric, you said..."
[fm] And don't forget Jim and Blair. Pregnant with twins.
[magpie] and all the hobbit actors... who have been reduced to infancy in an unforeseen side effect of Willow's magic
[TBQ] so they're the same size then
[magpie] hehehe
[TBQ] And Willow banishes the ebil PR people who try to deny Elijah and Dom's true love
[fm] Hey, Dom's too busy being angsty with Billy to care about Elijah.
[TBQ] But Dom could still be worried!
[fm] And in hobbit feet!
[TBQ] because Elijah is pregnant, and he's not five pounds soaking wet so obviously it'll be hard to carry the baby to term
[fm] Very true. He does not have child-bearing hips.
[TBQ] I love you FM
* fm beams.
[fm] Oh, wait, does that mean that I'm pregnant? Or are you?
* TBQ is still laughing over Elijah not having child-bearing hips
[TBQ] I think we both are
[TBQ] oh! oh! And the doctor comes in to see Wes, and without looking at anyone turns to Angel and goes "So how is our mommy doing?"
[TBQ] and Angel gets all pissy and "I'm not pregnant!"
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] and the doc goes "Huh, you sure? Because you *look* - "
[fm] He must feel left out.
[fm] And Angel says, "Why does everyone think I'm fat?"
[TBQ] And immediately follows that with "Shut up, Spike"
[fm] And there's a muffled "Cor!" from down the hall where Spike and Xander are making out in the broom closet.
[TBQ] snerk
[TBQ] and Elijah clutches a hand to his bosom (because our narrator does not use a beta to pick up repeated phrases) and uses his sapphire eyes to gaze up at the memory of the sky and whispers "I wish I could have hips like that vampire's"
* fm chokes on her water.
* TBQ pats fm on the back
[fm] thank you
[TBQ] And then Angel, who is of course a billionaire, asks of no one in particular "What exactly do I have to pay here to get a private room?"
[WesleysGirl] and then tinkerbell appears and grants Elijah's wish
[TBQ] tinkerbell, of course, being Orlando
[fm] ROFL
[fm] And then Wes yells because he goes into premature but very advanced labor.
[TBQ] oh oh! yes!
[TBQ] but it's *difficult* labor!
[TBQ] so he might lose the baby!
[fm] And he could die, too!
[TBQ] So Angel clutches Wes's hand and weeps manly tears
[fm] I was just typing that. ;)
[TBQ] and calls Wes "My love, my only, my Soul Mate, my Companion, my Consort..."
[TBQ] and Wes is like "There's only one of me here, Angel, please uncross your eyes."
[TBQ] clutching Wes's hand, of course, to his bosom
[fm] Of course.
[TBQ] his MANLY bosom
[fm] And Elijah thinks, "I wish I could have a bosom that manly."
[TBQ] snerk
[fm] And here comes Tinkerlando again...
[TBQ] Tinkerlando - ha!!
[TBQ] Then Wes, who is crying out in pain, has flashbacks to being locked under the stairs as a child
[TBQ] So Angel makes Willow magically teleport Roger into the room so that Angel can kick the shit out of him while still clutching Wes's hand, which now sports a wedding ring, to his manly bosom
[magpie] Tinkerlando stares into the middle distance, a slight frown on his face... and a very short skirt over his hips
[fm] That's so beautiful, TBQ.
[TBQ] and Gunn's like "You know, this is near-death in a hospital. Shouldn't Wes - er, I mean English - be having flashbacks to the time Angel used a pillow to try to kil - "
[TBQ] and Angel's all "You could be silent now, really."
[TBQ] Then Faith walks in and says "Yo, B, five by five"
[fm] And B, being burned up, says nothing.
[fm] Until Willow brings her back.
[TBQ] and then she tries to decide if she should be having sex with Tinkerlando or Elijah since they're the girliest ones in the room.
[magpie] Tinkerlando is wearing a *very* short skirt
[fm] Or maybe Wes, because they have all of that history. He's not so hot while in labor, though.
[fm] And isn't pregnant.
[TBQ] still, those cheekbones
[magpie] yes
[fm] Faith can fix that.
[magpie] Not pregnant... yet
[fm] exactly
[fm] And they could have a half-elf slayer daughter
[TBQ] Faith could make Tinkerlando pregnant
[fm] Named like Crystyle or something.
[fm] but with more Mary Sue-ness.
[TBQ] yes, Crystal Angelina Francesca Louisa Bo-Besca Bannanna Fanna the Third
[magpie] There should be a something-dil in that name if she's half-elf
[fm] Crystaldil?
[TBQ] good point magpie
[TBQ] ha!
[magpie] Yes, FM!
[TBQ] Crystaldil Angelina Francesca Louisa Bo-Besca Bannanna Fanna theThird
[fm] ROFL
* TBQ is deliberately mispelling banana btw
* TBQ felt a need to point that out
[magpie] I thought it was elvish for something
[TBQ] sure, we'll go with it being an elvish thing ;)
* TBQ was just being silly and misspelling
[magpie] Bannanna = tree that blossoms only once every 11,000 years on the night of the new moon of midsummer
[TBQ] And she has one purple eye and one green one
[fm] Does she get a unicorn?
[TBQ] do you even need to ask, fm?
[TBQ] sheesh
[fm] Sorry.
[TBQ] she gets TWO
[TBQ] because she's the only student at Hogwarts who is brave and strong and beautiful enough to handle them
[TBQ] though as far as that still a virgin thing goes, not so much
[TBQ] Faith and Tinkerlando's daughter coming fully formed out of the womb, you see
[TBQ] because she's *that* advanced
[TBQ] and of course Crystaldil marrys Harry Potter
[TBQ] Wheras poor Wes may still be losing the baby
[fm] And his hand probably hurts from how tightly Angel is crushing it to his manly bosom.
[TBQ] heh
[TBQ] Yes
[fm] But he wouldn't ever tell him that, because no one else has ever loved him.
[TBQ] and his face is wet from Angel's manly tears
[TBQ] of course
[TBQ] no one has ever accepted or approved of him the way Angel does
[TBQ] and again Gunn's like "So there was that pillow - "
[TBQ] and Wes goes "Shut up! He's hung like a stallion!"
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] And Gunn goes "Dude! I"m *black*!"
[fm] And Faith, Tinkerlando, and the hobbits look very interested.
[TBQ] And Wes goes "Yes, and still bigger than you, so just imagine where my loyalties lie."
[magpie] But Giles suddenly remembers an ancient prophecy that says the rogue demon hunter will give birth to the second coming of Lilah-Sue
[TBQ] yes!
[TBQ] which of course means Lilah is the one who raped him
[magpie] Yes!
[TBQ] and hey, if anybody could know how to use a strap-on like that, it'd be Lilah
[TBQ] So Giles frantically cleans his glasses and goes "oh dear" and stutters and cleans his glasses and says "Oh good Lord"
[TBQ] and that goes on for five pages
[fm] While Anya talks about money.
[fm] And sex.
[magpie] hehehehe
[TBQ] Yes
[TBQ] and Illyria says everyone there is an insect
[TBQ] and Lorne has no lines whatsoever
[fm] He's still singing the Celine Dion song.
[fm] Is Illyria pregnant?
[TBQ] Illyria keeps a fetus in a jar
[TBQ] it's got nothing to do with pregnancy, she just likes that better than collecting stamps
[fm] LOL
[TBQ] every now and then she likes to shake it, just to see it bob up and down
[magpie] And Tara pops back from the dead to say something
incomprehensible about mirrors with centipedes in them
[TBQ] and Dru shows up and talks about worms singing
[TBQ] in the meanwhile Giles has an internal monologue about how he regards the Slayer and her friends as his children, and how he is their father and they to him are daughters and sons, and how losing any of them would be a terrible, terrible thing, especially Willow who he'd
like to spank, or possibly Xander for similar reasons.
[fm] And Spike says, "Bloody 'ell, don't touch my nummy xanpet!"
[TBQ] snerk
[TBQ] so five pages later Giles snaps out of his monologue and tries to warn Angel and Wes about the coming of Lilah-Sue
[TBQ] and Angel's all "What's she going to do? Kill us? Kill Wes? Bring about the apocalypse?"
[TBQ] and Giles goes "Worse - she's going to yell at everyone about their love lives."
[TBQ] and Faith and Tinkerlando's daughter bursts into tears, because that's her job
[magpie] And Wes thinks: Oh no! The father's going to kill the daughter!
[TBQ] bwah!!!!
[fm] ROFL
[fm] So he steals himself after knocking out Lorne ('cause the song was really annoying him).
[TBQ] heh
[TBQ] and tries to run away without actually breaking his hand as he tries to free himself from Angel's manly bosom
[fm] But Angel miraculously KNOWS that Wes is trying to get away, and he explains that he doesn't care about killing the kid, he just wants Wesley.
[TBQ] yes! of course he knows!
[fm] And there is a tearful reunion, even though they weren't apart.
[TBQ] because Angel never let go of his hand
[fm] Exactly.
[TBQ] And Wesley cries, and says "My love! You can never forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done! For even though you are a murderer and a rapist and a dog-fetishiest that would even put Andy Garcia to shame, *I* once treated you like a vampire and locked a girl in a closet for summer holiday, so obviously I am the baser of us two!"
[magpie] And Angel asks: "Was the girl Fred?"
[TBQ] snerk
[fm] "No, Fred was a saint, even though I never loved her."
[TBQ] "Besides, my love, my Soul Mate! My Husband! My Enabler! It was Justine, though I shagged Lilah while I was doing it and frankly that's why I'm in this scenario."
[fm] "But I was thinking of you! That's why she wore the strap-on!"
[TBQ] The very LARGE strap-on
[fm] of course
[magpie] hehe
[TBQ] though, to her credit, she did occasionally clutch Wes's cock to her bosom, and that's part of the reason why they dated for as many months as they did
[TBQ] and Angel says "My Love! My Heart! My Soul Mate! My Consort! My Perfect Happiness! I thought of you while I was having sex with Buffy, which is why *I* wore the strap-on!"
[TBQ] and Wes tries to decide if he really wants to ask or not.
[fm] ROFL
[magpie] grin
[fm] Meanwhile, everyone else cries at the reunion, not just because it is beautiful but because they are filled with pregnancy hormones.
[TBQ] of course
[WesleysGirl] y'all hurt my head
[TBQ] except for Wes, who cries again because he might be losing the baby
[TBQ] also because he just found out that miscarriage or delivery doesn't matter, either way he and angel won't be allowed to have sex for a month
[TBQ] so then Angel starts to cry again
[fm] Isn't there a magical ointment for that?
[TBQ] lube!
[fm] Maybe cherry-flavoured?
[TBQ] Yes! Angel stops the action again to give a PSA about magic lube
[TBQ] which he got from Crystaldil, who makes it at Hogwarts
[TBQ] as she is an expert in all of the magic arts, especially Potions
[fm] Of course.
[magpie] is Wesley going to breast feed?
[TBQ] I think they all would breast feed
[TBQ] except Faith, of course.
[magpie] yes
[fm] wouldn't want to get saggy
[fm] And Tinkerlando can do it.
[TBQ] precisely
[magpie] and he wearing a very short skirt
[magpie] (which has nothing to do with anything, but it's important to repeat it)
[fm] of course
[fm] which Elijah is looking up with his sapphire orbs.
[TBQ] And then just as Wes starts to spasm and spurt blood, the worldfades to black, and it says "OMG I wun rit m0r3 if u dun f33dback!!!!111!!!!"
[TBQ] "no flames"
[fm] Don't forget - "Thx to my beta amb3rsk8r88 who sayd she likd it."
[fm] "Teh end."
