Yes, thank you Baldrick

Surpassing "Somebody killed an ostrich what used to be bizzare" in the this year's competition for "Who can most inaccurately give the reason for the start of a World War?" comes Dubya, with a little ditty we like to call "Like the Second World War, our present conflict began with a ruthless, surprise attack on the United States." (gacked from pretty much everyone on my friends list, so never let it be said that I never steal, nor that occasionally I don't mind shooting fish in a barrel).

Now naturally this raises the pesky question of did we fall into an alternate reality where Poland doesn't exist and, if we are in that reality, is it now safe to assume that all "stupid Pollack" jokes have now been replaced by "stupid American" jokes? (Answers: No, but yes.)

But I'm going to actually buck the trend here and say that while Dubya's comments, though breathtaking in their ignorance of actual history and in their flawless display of Dubya's speechwriting team to even pretend to vet anything before showing it to the public, are actually incredibly accurate in terms of demonstrating America's role in the world, particularly as Dubya sees it. To wit:

"Like the Second World War, our present conflict began when our intelligance gathering was for shit and we couldn't identify an incoming attack if it carried a huge sign on it saying 'We're coming to get you'."

"Like the Second World War, our present conflict began when we arrogantly assumed that everyone in the world was so eager to suck our cock that surely nobody could hate us enough to do damage."

"Like the Second World War, our present conflict began when we also assumed that our dick was so big that nobody would dare start something with us, which also goes to show that those in charge during the Second World War were in just as much blissful ignorance of the events of the previous century (viz. 1812, just for starters) as those in charge are today."

And, most importantly:

"Like the Second World War, our present conflict began when our current leaders left no doubt that they could give a flying fuck about the horrible atrocities and suffering going on in other countries because naturally it doesn't matter unless something happens to us over here."

So, you know, not historically accurate, but politically you've got to say the words are pretty spot-on.

You should read the speech though. I have to say some of my favorite bits are the "(Applause)" and "(Laughter)", which leads me to wonder if they transcribed that just to prove that anybody thought the speech was interesting and/or funny, or if the comments are left there as a flashing sign to let us know that we're supposed to applaud and laugh or else we'll be tried and branded for not being a patriot.

Just kidding. Everybody knows they don't do trials when punishing those suspected of violating the Patriot Act.

Am I bitter? Oh yes, yes I am. And my bitterness can be summed up in Bush thinking that "If America were not fighting terrorists in Iraq, and Afghanistan, and elsewhere, what would these thousands of killers do, suddenly begin leading productive lives of service and charity?" was not only an accurate depiction of the problems we face but, in fact, a joke.

I want this asshole out of my country NOW. Kthxbi.

Protocol, Part Twenty-Two

( Protocol, Part Twenty-Two. More with the comfort after all that hurt. )