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Moods and thoughts on a Friday off
May. 21st, 2004 01:22 pmFinally caught up on all my sleep from making Wednesday a late night in honor of the finale. I have in no way caught up on the huge pile of email that's been waiting for me since Tuesday, but hopefully I'll make some significant inroads into that today. Man, showrunning is hard ;)
Other plans for today include much needed house-cleaning, and then making lasagna. I would like to ask the pasta companies of the world why oh why do they ignore those of us who don't burst into tears at the thought of actually having to cook lasagna noodles? Don't get me wrong, I like the no-cook kind since those are useful when making lasagna in a crock pot, but for oven lasagna I want those good, thick noodles and no-cook lasagna noodles are wafer thin and not nearly the same thing at all. Luckily I found some, but it seems to me every time I go to make lasagna the chance of finding real lasagna noodles gets smaller and smaller. One day I may end up having to make my own, which I guess could be cool in a way.
My mood of the moment is sadly that of a low-lying depression. This is partially my own fault, as I just watched an hour's worth of programming on MTV about the gay marriage issue. I think the fact that I've decided to be more actively out, so to speak, in the past three years means that mentally for me when I watch people talking about gays not being allowed to have rights it hits me harder that they're talking about me. I mean not that I didn't know that I was bisexual for a long, long, LONG time, but being bisexual in many ways means you can pass for straight far better than your gay and lesbian counterparts. And not that I ever pretended to be something I wasn't, but not being actively out means that more people assume that you're straight, and it kind of gives you an "in" to the other side.
I dunno. I'm explaining this badly. I think what I'm trying to say is that because I'm half-straight I think I mentally processed that as people automatically assuming I was at least half-okay, and for the first time it's really hitting me that not only does it not count for anything, but that the majority of people in this country would hate me for it.
Yeah, I think that's the crux of it. It's not hitting me that there are people out there who would hate me because I'm bi, since duh, it's hitting me that most people would hate me because of that, and consider me sub-human. I gotta say that's just not a happy world to live in.
And then I think about how much that affects so many aspects of my life. Like in all honesty I do not have a rainbow flag sticker on my car because I geniunely believe that means someone's going to come along and smash my taillight in. And when I sit here and wonder if I'm getting enough spiritually from my local UU church, I have to face the fact that religiously speaking UU is one of the few places that's ever going to accept me. Yes, granted, there are churches out there which are okay with gay people and I'm sure I can find others in my area if I look, but even so the fact is the majority of all churches out there don't want me walking in the door unless at the bare minimum I agree with them that God hates me. So again I'm back on staggering numbers of hatred and dislike and silencing of my voice just because I'm me.
So... yeah. That.
I know mood-wise this is just a phase, and soon enough I'll be back on my more strident, agressive self, ready to take all those idiots by the shoulders and shake some sense into them by force if I have to (which is why I'm crossing Quakers off the list, since they've got that pacifism thing ;) ) but sometimes the sheer volume of this just suffocates me, and this is one of those times.
Other plans for today include much needed house-cleaning, and then making lasagna. I would like to ask the pasta companies of the world why oh why do they ignore those of us who don't burst into tears at the thought of actually having to cook lasagna noodles? Don't get me wrong, I like the no-cook kind since those are useful when making lasagna in a crock pot, but for oven lasagna I want those good, thick noodles and no-cook lasagna noodles are wafer thin and not nearly the same thing at all. Luckily I found some, but it seems to me every time I go to make lasagna the chance of finding real lasagna noodles gets smaller and smaller. One day I may end up having to make my own, which I guess could be cool in a way.
My mood of the moment is sadly that of a low-lying depression. This is partially my own fault, as I just watched an hour's worth of programming on MTV about the gay marriage issue. I think the fact that I've decided to be more actively out, so to speak, in the past three years means that mentally for me when I watch people talking about gays not being allowed to have rights it hits me harder that they're talking about me. I mean not that I didn't know that I was bisexual for a long, long, LONG time, but being bisexual in many ways means you can pass for straight far better than your gay and lesbian counterparts. And not that I ever pretended to be something I wasn't, but not being actively out means that more people assume that you're straight, and it kind of gives you an "in" to the other side.
I dunno. I'm explaining this badly. I think what I'm trying to say is that because I'm half-straight I think I mentally processed that as people automatically assuming I was at least half-okay, and for the first time it's really hitting me that not only does it not count for anything, but that the majority of people in this country would hate me for it.
Yeah, I think that's the crux of it. It's not hitting me that there are people out there who would hate me because I'm bi, since duh, it's hitting me that most people would hate me because of that, and consider me sub-human. I gotta say that's just not a happy world to live in.
And then I think about how much that affects so many aspects of my life. Like in all honesty I do not have a rainbow flag sticker on my car because I geniunely believe that means someone's going to come along and smash my taillight in. And when I sit here and wonder if I'm getting enough spiritually from my local UU church, I have to face the fact that religiously speaking UU is one of the few places that's ever going to accept me. Yes, granted, there are churches out there which are okay with gay people and I'm sure I can find others in my area if I look, but even so the fact is the majority of all churches out there don't want me walking in the door unless at the bare minimum I agree with them that God hates me. So again I'm back on staggering numbers of hatred and dislike and silencing of my voice just because I'm me.
So... yeah. That.
I know mood-wise this is just a phase, and soon enough I'll be back on my more strident, agressive self, ready to take all those idiots by the shoulders and shake some sense into them by force if I have to (which is why I'm crossing Quakers off the list, since they've got that pacifism thing ;) ) but sometimes the sheer volume of this just suffocates me, and this is one of those times.
